Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Randomize
