When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
