i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
