Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
