All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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