I got chris browned last night
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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