He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Randomize
