I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
How naked do you want me to be?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
