He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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