I wish my penis had an off switch
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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