I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
