I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
