Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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