Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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