the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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