Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
