I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
