All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
