Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
