Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
