His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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