So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
