My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Randomize
