It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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