how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
