Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
