He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
