1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
