apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.