somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
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The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
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Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.