He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
