fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
