he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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