so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
