I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
