Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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