I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
