I feel like I'm in dance class right now
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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