Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
