I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
