Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
