god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im drinking this country out of the recession.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
