i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Randomize
