Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
