the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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