best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
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threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
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It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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