The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Drake has all the answers
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize
