He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
