It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Randomize
