I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
