u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
