I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
