Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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