I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
