it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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