Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Small penises have feelings too.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
