Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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